It should be a landmark year. As celebratory as a fifth anniversary sounds I am finding it difficult to express any emotion around myself this anniversary. No its not a tragic event. Its a good thing. Its one I have written about here before. I have experienced five straight years of sobriety. Most importantly those that love me have experienced this and yet they still love me. It hasn’t been easy. Most of the people in my life before never knew me this way. They only knew the guy that was good at the party. Or at least he thought that.
I had lunch with a friend a few years ago that has over 20 years of sobriety under her belt and she expressed to me that she doesn’t even think about being the way she was. She never has any urges. I thought how amazing that was for her. I thought to myself do i feel the same? Because I did have desires. I did think about the past and often reflected on it with a nostalgia that painted a picture of it all not being bad. That for the most part, I had fun being layered and protected from reality because I lived a perceivably successful life. The tragic side was only because I couldn’t control it, right? Plain and simply put if it weren’t for being destructive I was still romanticizing inside how awesome life had been at using.
Its taken me this time since to really let the past go. I hear people around me talk about the “good time” they had the night before and I know that they probably really did. That hangover was worth it and they ended that good time knowing that they wouldn’t be needing to have more of what ever that substance was to feel good again until they wanted to. This is where are similarities stop. This is why I must celebrate.
All I know is that I was probably not going to have much of a life if I had stayed pretending to think selfishly that the only person that needed to to worry about all the drugs was me and all others around me needed to just leave themselves out of it because I was fine. Reaching this point in time all the glamor has faded. So this fifth is dedicated to you.
All of you that I pushed away, begged you to participate with me, got angry with, said incredibly rude things to, lied to. To all of you that cleaned up after me, took me home, dragged me away from fights, picked me up off the ground. To all of you that really knew I loved you and you still loved me, thank you. To my wife for all the money that we needed for real needs. To my son who I needed to be an example to. For it was me that decided to change but it was you that never gave up on me. If there is something to celebrate it is you.