I’ve made it this far

Hanging on when my heart has had enough and giving more when I want to give up.

The Heart Of The Matter

I had reached a place I believed I would never love someone. Not really. Shallow, empty encounters were all I could count on. I had told myself that letting someone get close to me was too dangerous. Disappointment was my middle name. I trusted no one.

That was me, all too young to realize at the time how little of life I had yet lived. All to jaded to realize that people besides myself had been hurt beyond any pain I had felt. Convinced that people could never really have a truly lasting relationship. People broke up, lied to one another, cheated and divorced.

Then I found you. The heart that was closed shut. If you wanted it, I would give you my heart. After 25 years I still am in wonderment, how can I feel so much love? How is it possible that I ache for you so when I am not with you? I feel so secure, so at ease when I have you in my arms.

Today I ask how you can possibly not have a relationship that last when you truly are with the one. I actually am amazed by this powerful feeling I still have for you today only because it’s like I keep falling in love over and over and not fearing but feeling stronger and more certain that this is the only certain thing I have ever known.

All you had to do was ask me to, I give my life to you.

What I once perceived as the healthiest I ever was. Sober for a year, physically fit. Still I was not ready. One step forward, two back. It wasn’t for 4 more years after this that my commitment to living authentically.  

(Reblogged from haiafterrehab)

A January I won’t forget. Carmel River Beach 2014

Another day where I see magic all around me in this place I call home.

Me too. Now we know how.
Things don’t have to change the world to be important.
Steve jobs


It was a brief amount of time. A couple of years might sound like a long time to some people. But when you place it in the perspective of being friends with someone that has impacted your life one such person that you were not at all ready not to have in your life it’s very brief.

From the moment of introduction I realized this was a special person. It’s a rarity to meet a person that you feel their genuine sincerity come across, without a doubt you matter to them. His ability to make me feel connected to him grew rapidly and I could tell we were going to make an impact as two people that had connected from our common connection with a desire to deliver excellence in our work. I being the tenured of the two had the joy of being a mentor to him. The truth was that he actually made me a better person.

After a year of being at work together and sharing stories and learning from one another it became even more apparent that we had a special friendship that I knew was going to last forever. The amount of respect I had for him and how he honored me with his gratitude for mentoring him was so humbling and so fulfilling.

I would marvel at his enthusiasm for life. His passion and caring for others. He was loved by everyone. He made me laugh so much because he had probably one of the best sense of humor I have ever known. Taking common phrases and creating puns that were silly and delivered like a master comic. Brilliant.

When we weren’t at work we would often communicate through twitter and his 144 characters would make my day. If I were ever down, not feeling well or just letting trivial things get to me he was the first to make it all better by offering support or just helping me to see that it was all going to be just fine because this too wasn’t all that important. We celebrated life and we shared in our enthusiasm.

I was 20 years his senior and it just never seemed to matter much because he could relate to anyone, no matter age, race or physical challenge.

He was a mere 30 years of age, primed and ready a healthy handsome incredible person. The future seemed destined for his greatness to continue to influence the world.

For some reason it was his time to leave us here on earth. I question how this could be but it was.

So every day I seem to find myself thinking of him. I try to find peace in knowing that he might like something I do or say, that my actions related to what he took joy in matter. The seasons that we spent together move on and the constant reminders come with them. Christmas came this year being the first one without him and I kept thinking of his family. I had the privilege of meeting his father shortly after we started working together. He was just as described and I could see how this friend had turned out so wonderful. His father made me feel as if I had been his friend for a long time and he had this bigger then life personality just how you would imagine the father of a great man being.

As I was working I had received a message telling me that his father was in our store for a visit. I had been helping a struggling couple with a credit issue so that they might purchase some items for their children’s Christmas. But all I could think of was how I could get back to talk to his father. What felt like eternity passed and I still could not break away and then I realized that he had entered the room and I had to excuse myself so I could see him.
When I looked in his eyes I could see his caring, and he instantly embraced me. I held on tight as I suddenly realized I could feel my friend. His presence was so intense. I looked back into his fathers eyes and he thanked me for being such a good friend to his son.

All Christmas I kept hearing people talking of what to get for who, what would they like and after the fact what was their favorite gift. As nice as all the things are I received or could receive I could never be more thankful this Christmas then for that moment. For that was truly a gift.