Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.
Sean O’Connell

To my son

On this Father’s Day I thought I would let you know how proud I am to be your father. The days we have had together have been some of the most glorious and precious in my life. You filled my heart with joy that I never in my life could have known were even possible. And when you broke my heart I reached a place in my life that reminded me of how precious we are to one another. That no two people on earth can have what a father and a son can have.

The man you grew up to be is what I hoped for. You care and feel and desire to be a servant to those people in the world that need you. You strive to be an original. You love deeply.

I can only hope for this part of fatherhood, the part where you have your own life can include moments rich with passion. Let’s make a promise to one another that we will realize how much we care. Let’s live for today. Remembering all along that we are bonded in life as father and son and two men that gave ourselves the gift of letting ourselves be loved for who we are.

“Fear less, hope more;

Whine less, breathe more;

Talk less, say more;

Hate less, love more;

And all good things are yours.”

~ Swedish proverb

I’ve made it this far

Hanging on when my heart has had enough and giving more when I want to give up.

The Heart Of The Matter

I had reached a place I believed I would never love someone. Not really. Shallow, empty encounters were all I could count on. I had told myself that letting someone get close to me was too dangerous. Disappointment was my middle name. I trusted no one.

That was me, all too young to realize at the time how little of life I had yet lived. All to jaded to realize that people besides myself had been hurt beyond any pain I had felt. Convinced that people could never really have a truly lasting relationship. People broke up, lied to one another, cheated and divorced.

Then I found you. The heart that was closed shut. If you wanted it, I would give you my heart. After 25 years I still am in wonderment, how can I feel so much love? How is it possible that I ache for you so when I am not with you? I feel so secure, so at ease when I have you in my arms.

Today I ask how you can possibly not have a relationship that last when you truly are with the one. I actually am amazed by this powerful feeling I still have for you today only because it’s like I keep falling in love over and over and not fearing but feeling stronger and more certain that this is the only certain thing I have ever known.

All you had to do was ask me to, I give my life to you.

What I once perceived as the healthiest I ever was. Sober for a year, physically fit. Still I was not ready. One step forward, two back. It wasn’t for 4 more years after this that my commitment to living authentically.  

(Reblogged from haiafterrehab)

A January I won’t forget. Carmel River Beach 2014

Another day where I see magic all around me in this place I call home.