The hardest thing about marriage: your life may be different, but you’re still the same person you were before you put that ring on.
Melissa Maerz

My son sent me this picture today. One of those great memories. We were in Jamaica and were really excited to take this boat ride. Unfortunately the water was too rough and we couldn’t go. I told him and his friend that we could pretend to be riding but we really needed to “get into it”

Discipline

You try to come back for me. You want me to be yours. When we were together we didn’t care about anything but ourselves. You made all the doubt go away. As a team we were unstoppable. We made everyone laugh, we made them think we had not a care in the world. We felt euphoric. The not being like others went away and we made them see how we were just as good. At first It was our goal to get others to come along because we didn’t want to just have all this fun alone. When they started to leave us we just made the best of it and we kept each other entertained. Countless nights of making ourselves feel better. We didn’t need them anymore anyway, we had each other.

Remember when it had to stop between us? Remember how we kept hearing that we had gone too far? All the fun was ending. I had to leave you to save myself. All I had grown to know was us but somehow I lost me.

I hear you calling me. Sometimes I can go for days with only a faint reminder. But never a day goes by that I don’t hear you. It gets louder and more prevalent through their voices. The ones that liked us better. The ones that know you too and want to share in the feelings we once had. Because it’s bliss. Most of them, they still have control over you. They are the alpha in the relationship. But you and I, we found out that I liked it much better when you took control. Because seeing through you made me appear better to the self that was without you.

The discipline can be deceived. Your power has played tricks on my mind. But I somehow am able to reach inside and tell you that you are only a thing. Things don’t make me. Things don’t care, love or last. I tell myself that if I could stop you I could stop the others. I have got discipline on my side because it’s in me. It is me. Some of them are surprisingly strong. Most of them seem perfectly “normal” and I can see why people say, “why not? For for it!” But as you know, it’s all or nothing for us. A little does not go a long way. It’s never enough is it?

I dream of a day when discipline is no longer needed. When you and the others just don’t matter. I will get there, I know that I can. I see you waiting. But I won’t let you in.

Beautiful things don’t ask for attention.
Sean O’Connell

To my son

On this Father’s Day I thought I would let you know how proud I am to be your father. The days we have had together have been some of the most glorious and precious in my life. You filled my heart with joy that I never in my life could have known were even possible. And when you broke my heart I reached a place in my life that reminded me of how precious we are to one another. That no two people on earth can have what a father and a son can have.

The man you grew up to be is what I hoped for. You care and feel and desire to be a servant to those people in the world that need you. You strive to be an original. You love deeply.

I can only hope for this part of fatherhood, the part where you have your own life can include moments rich with passion. Let’s make a promise to one another that we will realize how much we care. Let’s live for today. Remembering all along that we are bonded in life as father and son and two men that gave ourselves the gift of letting ourselves be loved for who we are.

“Fear less, hope more;

Whine less, breathe more;

Talk less, say more;

Hate less, love more;

And all good things are yours.”

~ Swedish proverb

I’ve made it this far

Hanging on when my heart has had enough and giving more when I want to give up.

The Heart Of The Matter

I had reached a place I believed I would never love someone. Not really. Shallow, empty encounters were all I could count on. I had told myself that letting someone get close to me was too dangerous. Disappointment was my middle name. I trusted no one.

That was me, all too young to realize at the time how little of life I had yet lived. All to jaded to realize that people besides myself had been hurt beyond any pain I had felt. Convinced that people could never really have a truly lasting relationship. People broke up, lied to one another, cheated and divorced.

Then I found you. The heart that was closed shut. If you wanted it, I would give you my heart. After 25 years I still am in wonderment, how can I feel so much love? How is it possible that I ache for you so when I am not with you? I feel so secure, so at ease when I have you in my arms.

Today I ask how you can possibly not have a relationship that last when you truly are with the one. I actually am amazed by this powerful feeling I still have for you today only because it’s like I keep falling in love over and over and not fearing but feeling stronger and more certain that this is the only certain thing I have ever known.

All you had to do was ask me to, I give my life to you.

What I once perceived as the healthiest I ever was. Sober for a year, physically fit. Still I was not ready. One step forward, two back. It wasn’t for 4 more years after this that my commitment to living authentically.